Enough Already!

Things have turned around...for the good!

Thank you ladies for all of your support.  Turns out, i'm wrong after all!  Thank G-d!!!  Turns out, 20 year olds do in fact stimulate much better that 40 year olds! 

By Monday, it looked like my donor had 10 follicles and her E2 was 1400.  On Tuesday, she had 19 follicles and an E2 of 1700.  By Wednesday, she had 29 follicles and her E2 was 2800+.  I may be wrong about the number of follicles b/c it seems strange she would have such a big jump in just the span of 1 day. 

Retrieval is tomorrow.  We'll find out for sure how many are retrieved and how many look mature.  Saturday, we'll get a report on how many fertilized.  My embryo transfer will be either this coming Monday (3-day) or Wednesday (5-day). 

Please send some of your cosmic energy up for me that all goes well tomorrow and the next few days.  Thanx so much for all your support. I'll keep you posted! 

The fate of the Morula

“So, did the Morula implant?” you must be asking yourself; eager to know if my last chance for genetic children succeeded.

On Friday, 9 dpo, I noticed a little spotting. “Implantation spotting” I excitedly thought to myself. “This is it – I just know it”.

I also thought how I would handle the news of my pregnancy on my blog. After all, I know that mixed feeling I get when reading about other infertiles finally having success after so much work and bad luck: hopeful for them, full of self loathing for infertile me.

Well, not to worry, you won’t have to confront those feelings while reading this blog. At least not until an egg donor becomes available b/c we struck out again. I can just hear it now: “SchteeeeeRIKE 3!!! You’re OUT!!”

So I’m off to see the Wizard (Dr. Harvard) on Wednesday, August 18, to discuss donor egg IVF.

And I ask you: Why does the person scheduling appointments at your RE’s offices ask you what time you’d like to come in? “Why immediately” I answer. “Oh, no, that will never do – how about 2 weeks from now?”

Why do they act as if that the patient has any say in this matter whatsoever? I guess they do not have the same excellent training as the ultrasound techs who make no attempt at being polite to you; they know you don’t matter and make no pretense about it.

Of course, I expected nothing more after being under Dr. Harvard’s excellent care for almost a year now (I did get pregnant on my own - twice – thanx for nothing Dr. Harvard). Fortunately, I have an online friend whom I’ll refer to as “K” who has tempered my expectations about this donor egg process.

You’d think the hardest part is coming up with the $$. And indeed, that is very hard. But even if you have the financial resources of Oprah Winfrey, there is no quickie egg donor store where you can just go and pick out a ready, willing, proven, available, attractive egg donor with a good BMI.

No, they have to be selected, screened and scheduled. This whole process could take 10 to 12 weeks IF I’m lucky. That would put me out to October 27 to November 10 to get started.

And I can’t do an embryo transfer on November 9, b/c phase 2 of the deal from hell (Matthew Henson in Phoenix, Arizona) will be closing. And I know the Partner in Charge will definitely make me go to AZ this time since more than once he has complained about closing my deal in Kansas City this past Monday – even though I did all the work. All he had to do was stand around and look important in the manner a Partner in Charge has a special way of doing.

And I know, there will be no embryo transfers around Thanksgiving b/c RE’s need their rest and selfish egg donor’s will insist on visiting family around that time. And winter storms may preclude an out of town donor (and my husband) from being available.

So, in no particular order, here is my “To do” list before the end of the year:

Close Matthew Henson and Vaughn Elderly

Apply to the Ohio bar and get admitted

Get pregnant

Get a new job in Cincinnati

Sell the house

Move

Oy-vey, that is Enough Already!

(what’s that noise again? Is that laughter I hear?)

If you're going to be a foot soldier in this Army...

You better learn to deal with crazy.

My life continues to reside in the eye of the storm that I’ll call “Crazy”.

In the aftermath of the great blackout of 2004 and the Big Closing, I managed to score a couple of interviews with some law firms in Cincinnati. The recruiter asked me if I would be able to go the week of July 19th, but I consulted the stars and the moon (and my fertility projection spread sheet – yes, I actually keep track of every cycle on a spread sheet and forecast future cycles thereon) and realized I’d need to be in town for scans and possible IUI’s. So tactfully, he was told “Ab-So-Lutely Not” and we scheduled the big event for July 30.

I started stimming (injecting myself with urine from menopausal women for any newbies) last Sunday, July 11. I was excited to start my new cycle; may be this will be the one… (you know, and all that other crap that you Hope Addict fills your head with).

Because I’ve learned that no one is going to drop everything for me and deal with my problems, I began negotiating the logistics of getting my husband’s frozen sperm from the sperm bank across town to my doctor’s office. It turns out that Dr. Harvard’s office has a liquid nitrogen tank that you can store frozen sperm temporarily. So because it would be more convenient to have it there than to have to run and go get it on one side of town and drive to the next, I made arrangements with the sperm bank to rent their portable tank and transport my husband’s sample to my docotor’s office.

I picked Tuesday, July 12, to run this little errand. Tuesday, July 12, was one of the hottest days on record here in St. Louis with a heat index of 110 degrees. So I go to the sperm bank at Wash U to pick up the tank and the sample, and it turns out, this is no small tank. The nurse wheeled this cumbersome thing out on a luggage cart and I paid my $50 and was off.

I tried to wrestle this tank and luggage cart into the trunk of my SAAB and it would not fit. I finally unhooked the tank from the luggage cart and was able to shove them in by some miracle before I melted in the scorching heat of the day.

I arrived at Dr. Harvard’s office and unloaded this thing only to see a big sign on the tank that said: “KEEP RIGHT SIDE UP” “FRAGILE” Hmmmm…It had laid on its side the whole 20 minute trip. I had wrestled with this thing like a fat woman trying to pull up support hose (I speak from experience). “I hope its okay” I thought.

Well it was, but what was not, was my husband’s frozen sperm. The report from the sperm bank disclosed that he had produced 4 “straws” but they only contained 3.7 million motile sperm each! So if I used 2 for each IUI, I would only get appx. 6 million motile sperm each time! And if you look at the WHO standards, this is far from acceptable for insemination. I need 10 million at least.
Since this is going to be my last chance, I had to figure something out – quick. So I decided that my husband was just going to have to come in from Cincinnati next week and produce a fresh sample for one IUI. Sound like a plan? Sounded like one to me until I told my dear husband about this plan and he asked me if we couldn’t take care of it this weekend.

I was like, “Gee honey, while I know that’d be convenient for you, I don’t think the timing will work out for my ovaries…Ummmkay…you’ll have to take off work and come in during the next week after I trigger”.

Problem solved? NO. Turns out next week, the other attorney and the person he works under are going on vacation and they need him to be in the office. Plus, my dear husband has scheduled a trip out of town to the Cape for his parents anniversary and he’ll be leaving on Thursday @ 3:00 from Cincinnati.

Well, fuck it, I told him if he could take off work to go to his parents’ thing, he could take off for this. And then I said a foxhole prayer that I’d trigger in time for him to be here before Thursday. But, I formed a back up plan and scheduled an appointment for Wednesday morning @ 10:30 at the sperm bank for another deposit in case I don’t trigger in time.

Now, you’d think that’d be enough shit for anyone to deal with in one day, but no, the eye of storm Crazy keeps raging…read on…

Ok Paul Anka

So my husband and I got into a big fight[?] Well maybe it was more of a heated discussion. Again, he wants me to ditch my last cycle of injections and IUI and move ahead with getting donor eggs. I again capitulated and then changed my mind.

His reasons: (1) lets stop wasting time, (2) if you have another miscarriage we’ll be delayed even further, and (3) even if you get pregnant, it could have downs or some other problem we are not prepared to deal with.

All good, solid reasons. My reason for not buying into said arguments: I may regret it for the rest of my life. Do I really want to go through life thinking: What if? Just b/c I may miscarry? Just b/c my baby “might” end up with some problem on the off chance I actually conceive and don’t miscarry? NO.

So when I told him I’d changed my mind again, he replied, “Okay, Paul Anka, do it your way”

I have to love that man. He just cracks me up.

That bitch can't see shit...

I’ve now concluded that the reason the mute ultra sound tech is so silent and stingy with her information is that she doesn’t have any. She is fucking clueless.

Saturday, I went in for my follicle scan after 6 days of stims (cycle day 9). Dr. Harvard thinks its only been 5, but I start early ‘cause I find that works better for me. The nice ultra sound tech (she’s probably an imposter b/c nice and ultra sound tech do not go together) admits she can’t get a good view of my ovaries.

Now we went round with this last month. My ovaries tend to be higher than most b/c of my enlarged, 12 week size uterus that sits about an inch below my belly button. So I suggested, that we do the ultrasound transabdominally b/c my ovaries tend to be out of range of the vaginal probe. She does, and bingo, there they are. Two (2) 10 mm follicles on the right, 1 on the left. (this talking to your ovaries things works I tell you). Hoorah.

But then I take my early morning ride this morning for today's follicle scan and there is the regular, mute tech, who always remarks: Not much cooking. I explain to her how perhaps we should do the ultrasound transabdominally like we did Saturday, to which she responds she can see both ovaries just fine. Again: Not much cooking. Then I explain the results of my Saturday ultrasound and she tells me that she saw the same thing, they must not have grown since then. Hmmmm??? What do I have? A bunch of rotten eggs?

Then I get a call from the nurse wanting to know if I can please come back in tomorrow b/c Dr. Harvard thinks something else is going on. What else could be going on? Again, my estradiol level is not consistent with the ultrasound findings. My estradiol is 1000, way too much for just a few small growing follicles.

I think its operator error. But, better than rotten eggs.

Well, I'm right about some things...

I won’t need maternity leave this year. That’s right; my blood pregnancy test was negative. Surprise! I actually felt bad for the lady on the phone who was “so sorry” that it was negative. I kind of knew it was negative b/c of the earlier negative home pregnancy tests AND b/c I started my period at 12:00 noon, 2 hours after I had my blood drawn.

I thought no one had told me about the “2 week and 2 day” rule; as in “call us if you don’t get your period in 2 weeks and 2 days after your last IUI”. But, I discovered that message was on my voice mail, but it had just not registered mentally. Do you think Cindy, the nurse could have reminded me of that on Tuesday morning? No, she told me to just keep taking the Prometrium (oral progesterone) till I got my period. But, I did get my period exactly “2 weeks and 2 days” after my last IUI. Useful information.

I’m actually glad I’m not pregnant and spotting. I told myself yesterday that either I wanted to be pregnant “good” (as in good HCG level) or not pregnant at all. So I’m not pregnant at all, but that’s better than being pregnant “bad” (as in pending miscarriage).

So Monday, I go in to get my baseline, but b/c that will be day 4, and I believe that getting started earlier is better, I’m starting Sunday with 4 amps (300 IU) of Repronex. I realize this will pretty much insure that I have another cyst to deal with on Monday b/c that’s just how my luck goes (you know, if I didn’t have bad luck I wouldn’t have no luck at all). But I decided, if I have another cyst, we are just waiting this cycle out. I’m not taking anymore Aygestin. That stuff bloated me up so much my face was puffy and even my shirts were tight!

Other developments on the horizon, my husband informed me that he would like to skip the IUIs b/c he prefers going the timed intercourse route. I cannot ascertain his motives on this one. This is a man who used to complain bitterly about having timed intercourse. (He actually pretended to be sleeping once on the day of my LH surge. I woke his ass up of course and made him perform – I know, how romantic). So I’m wondering if it’s the $500 we have to pay for the IUIs or the pressure of having to ejaculate into a cup and run over to the Doctor’s office at lightening speed only to be criticized by his wife b/c he only had 10 million sperm. Or all of the above? Hmmmmm…?

Dr. Harvard said that he felt that we could go either way, b/c intercourse resulted in 3 prior pregnancies, but I’m on the fence about this. If we’re going to spend $2,000 on drugs, I want the best possible chance at getting pregnant. And statistically, I think injectables and IUI has been shown to work better than injectables and timed intercourse. But I’m not sure if that’s true if you don’t have cervical or male factor infertility (which we don’t – unless I’m taking Clomid or my husband has driven 8 hours the day before my IUI). I’m open to suggestions if any of you know what is best. For now, I think I’ll stick with the IUI unless I have to trigger on Friday or Saturday and have to contend with sub-optimally timed IUIs (no Sunday IUIs at Dr. Harvard’s office – they can’t be bothered with that!).

"You're and idiot!"

Well, one of my “commentators” finally got it right. Yes Fah Que, I am an idiot. Take for example this week. After my “well timed" IUI, I spent my time updating my Yahoo Pregnancy Calendar as if I’d already conceived. The Yahoo Pregnancy Calendar gives me helpful advice. For example, here is today’s entry:

You won't know for sure if you're pregnant, but early symptoms include fatigue and breast tenderness.

Per the Pregnancy Calendar, my first trimester ends June 16 “possibly easing your worries about miscarriage. Most take place before this week.”

After 3 failed pregnancies, I am pretty much a veteran of early pregnancy symptoms and miscarriage so not much of this is news to me. But my Hope Addict insists that we participate in this bizarre ritual of updating the Pregnancy Calendar every time we have the tiniest chance of conceiving.

If I conceive this cycle, my Due Date will be December 31, 2004, New Year’s Eve and 1 day past my 41st birthday. Should I miscarry again, I’ll hate every New Years hereafter; and since I am the type of person who can really take a problem and run with it, I’m sure I’ll find a way to include every birthday thereafter as well.

And what can I say about my Worry Addict? She was actually worrying that I wouldn’t be able to conceal my pregnancy until after we get the results from the amneocentesis because if we are faced with a hard decision, I’d rather be able to make it a private one. (And don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I couldn’t love a child with Downs; I worry about who would love my child with Downs after I’m dead – talk about getting ahead of one’s self!). All this from a woman who’s never made it past the 8th week of pregnancy. Yes, Fah Que, an idiot I am indeed! What can I say? You hit the nail on the head. Congratulations. Please share more of your sage wisdom with me.

I think Fah Que (his real name perhaps?) came across my blog looking for information on the show American Chopper (i.e. “can’t get enough of American Chopper”) and was disappointed to find that it did not contain testosterone super charged entries about welding and custom chopper “fabricating” but FSH charged super rants on infertility. But I have a news flash for Fah Que, if he thinks that Senior, Paulie, and Mikey are bad asses, he’s never come across a woman being treated for infertility on the first day of her period after a failed cycle; she could take a Hell’s Angel in a knife fight with one hand tied behind her back and a butter knife in the other!

And to Fah Que I say: You’re right about me, but for all the wrong reasons. ENOUGH of you ALREADY!! be gone idiot boy!

These tests aren’t perfect…

“and that’ll be $80, cash, check or charge?”

I went in for my ultrasound to confirm that I had ovulated. They had scheduled a 10:30 Saturday appointment for me which I was thrilled about b/c it meant I didn’t have to get up early and rush over on a work day.

I slept in till 8:00 on Saturday and had a nice leisurely breakfast (egg, toast, sausage and tea) when…..Brrriinnnng! Who the fuck is calling at 9 o’clock in the morning on a Saturday?! I exclaimed (I hate telephones as you may have gathered from an earlier post).

So I check the caller id and its Dr. Harvard’s office. Can I come early they want to know. So much for the leisurely Saturday morning. Truth be told though, I was gearing up to be late for my appointment b/c my regular grooming ritual takes at least an hour and should have gotten underway at precisely that time. So its just as well that they called and kick my ass into high gear.

I made it to Dr. Harvard’s office by 10:10. I was quickly ushered back to the ultrasound room but of course, I had to empty my bladder first (and what is it with the prospect of getting a wand stuck up you that makes you have to pee?). My left ovary was hiding as usual. She’s very shy and only comes out with intense prodding. My right ovary on the other hand is not bashful when it comes to getting her picture taken. The ultrasound showed that I still have two (2) 16 mm “follicles” on the right ovary. The tech speculated that the follicles burst and then filled back up with fluid, which happens sometimes.

Of course, this would happen with me because nothing ever goes as expected in any treatment cycle I’ve undergone (and I’m just at the beginning of what the industry has to offer – oooo, a shiver just went up my spine). But the tech also noted that there was a lot of fluid in my pelvic region that was consistent with ovulation so the guess is that I ovulated.

I asked the nurse about the ultrasound findings and what “normal” was and she told me that they were looking to see if the follicles had disappeared to confirm ovulation …“but the test is not perfect…” she explained (and then requested payment for this imperfect, indeterminate test). I asked if the progesterone test would confirm ovulation and I was told “maybe…if your level is over 10” If that’s the case, I could still be in the gray zone on Tuesday after the progesterone test b/c I have persistently low progesterone levels (around 8).

Fortunately (or maybe not so fortunately), I’ve been at this a long time and I know when I’ve ovulated. My cervical mucous (ugghh, I know, too much information) dries up about 2 seconds after I ovulate. I also had that familiar ovulation pain on Thursday, which was completely gone by Friday. So me no worry. I know I ovulated, even if they don’t.

You look pregnant...

Some dreams do come true. I had a dream where my husband was saying to me: you’re pregnant. And in the dream, I kept thinking: how could he know? It hasn’t been enough time.

Well, he couldn’t know then and he doesn’t know now, but this past week he keeps saying to me: let me look at you…you look pregnant. Obviously being a man he does not know how this sounds. As much as I want to “be” pregnant, I don’t want to “look pregnant” when the baby is only .014 inches long! ENOUGH ALREADY!

10 Million? Is that going to be enough?

Well, the case of the missing follicles has been solved. I went in for a trans-abdominal ultrasound yesterday, supervised by his highness, Dr. Harvard, because the earlier vaginal ultrasounds were not consistent with what my blood work was showing. My blood work indicated that there was a party going on and that a great many a follicle were developing to maturity, whilst the vaginal ultrasound was showing “not much cooking.”

Turns out, my ovaries like to get around and they were hanging out on the wrong side of town behind my uterus. But, they weren’t slacking off this cycle and we discovered I had at least two (2) 16.5 mm follicles on my right ovary. Guess this talking to the ovary thing worked this time. So I was advised to trigger with 10,000 IU of HCG last night.

I was so excited. Finally, some progress; Finally, not literally “pissing” my money away (I should have bottled up my piss and sent it back to the makers of Repronex for a refund the last 2 cycles!); Sooooo, I scheduled the IUI for 1:00 today. The nurse suggested 8:00 a.m,. but that conjured up frightening visions in my mind of my poor husband administering himself an espresso I.V. with one hand while beating off with the other at 7 o’clock in the morning so I took a pass on that.

I guess many of you who read this have already seen the giant size bottle of sterile water the HCG vial comes with and the BIG powder of medication that I was told to dilute with one tiny cc of water. And talk about “Hurt so good” Yeeeeoooow! did that motherfucker sting like a bitch!

So I go to leave this morning when my husband tells me: by the way, I have a dental appointment at 9:30. Needless to say, I spent the entire morning conducting periodic Internet searches for: Semen and Novocaine, IUI and Novocaine, Idiot husband and bad timing…But Novocaine be damned, we pressed on. I came home at 12:30, the time when the deed was scheduled to be a fait accompli only to find him dicking off. But not in the manner he was supposed to be dicking off.

So I ordered an On Demand adult video for inspiration so he could complete the task at hand. And to my surprise, nothing more that a dribble of semen was produced. “Is that it?!” I exclaimed (so much for the supportive spouse thing). But no time to argue about it, off we went to our appointment with me harboring my husband’s semen in a cup in my bra to keep it “body temperature”.

We dropped off his sample at the Dr’s office and then went to get a sandwich at the coffee shop while it was being processed. Nothing like lunch and an IUI to break up the day. When the nurse was ready to perform the insemination, I just had to ask how many sperm we had: 10 million – right at the cut off.

When he had his semen analysis done a few months ago, he had 64 million. But when I need his sample – 10 million?! What the fuck is up with that? Guess I should be glad he made the cut off. We go again tomorrow so he can get another “shot” at it.

I am happy about at least being in the game. But it does seem like, if it’s not one thing, its another - kicking you right square in the balls. And to that I say: Enough Already! (and please, let 10 million be enough)