Where do I begin

Until I can figure out how to start a new blog under this typepad acct., I'm going to post on this blog. so here goes...

Where do I begin…

5 months. They are already 5 months old now. The first 3 months of my maternity leave seemed like an eternity and a blink of an eye at the same time. Motherhood I discovered is a 24 hour a day 7 day a week job. “The toughest job you’ll ever love” are words that have new meaning to me. What you ask do stay at home moms do? more shit than I was prepared to do. Babies and children need constant attention and care. If you need to pay bills or g-d forbid update your blog, better hire help.

Its funny, or maybe not so, that every thing they say is true about parenthood. “Your life will never be the same again” they advise. And you think “well, that is the idea…” But you don’t know the truth of those words until you live it.

And every infertile wants to live it. You can taste the pain. You long for it. And quite frankly, infertility treatment is so much harder than parenthood. You get more sleep, but overall, that is the only positive. Going through infertility treatment does prepare you for parenting in one respect or maybe two. One, what you expect to happen, never does. And two, the sleepless nights – well not quite. At least when you are losing sleep b/c you have a newborn, well, it is b/c you have a newborn.

I was of course surprised at how much work taking care of two babies would be. The crippling part is the sleep deprivation. After all, isn’t that how they brain wash people? To say that it sucks ass, is putting it lightly. For example, I tried to explain this to my pregnant friend who said “We tried so hard to get pregnant and waited so long, we’re ready.” I laughed quietly.

Then 5 days after giving birth I get a call “I haven’t slept for 5 nights! My husband and I are fighting.” Hmmmm…I thought to myself “well that sounds about right” But to her I assured her “it gets better.” When it gets better, well that is a mystery to us all. According to some bitches that lie about their babies, they sleep through the night at 6 weeks. According to people you can really trust, 6 mos to a year.

Oh and I forgot, my favorite was when she said “I’m really not enjoying this.” Oh the guilt I had for that. Oh the guilt I had for the thoughts of the many prayers for the babies to just go to fuckin’ sleep already, just go to sleep. And the thoughts I had of “if this doesn’t get better I guess we’ll just have to put them up for adoption…”

Yes, I admit it. I seriously thought that in the sleep deprived days. And yes, I have guilt, and NO, my children are not up for adoption no matter how wonderful of a parent you would be.

The fact is, it did get better sleep wise, and they are the most beautiful girls I could ever hope to have. They “complete me”. Now, if I could just get my husband on board, things w/b perfect? Well close.

For now, he calls me “yells at husband” I and call him “dumb lazy fuck”. Nice huh?

I thought he would be a better parent and he is not. I thought I would not be the greatest parent, and while not perfect by a long shot, I've surprised myself at my resolve. I never knew that 6 hours of interrupted sleep could actually be enough, that going to be at 8 pm was wonderful, or that sitting in a darkened room just rockin a baby to sleep every evening could be so peaceful. but, i hear i will live to regret that as baby will not learn to sleep on her own.

Comments

[chris]

Yeah, that sounds about right. It gets better. And then you look back and you can't believe it was that hard. Not that it wasn't, but you know, the mind has a way of forgetting pain.

Sorry the husband is not holding up his end. I was surprised to discover through my mother's group that a lot of husband's act that way. I mean, it's the 21st century, right? Someone had better tell them.

Take care. Can't wait for the new blog.

[Jen]

It was so lovely to come and check your page and see that you had updated! The girls are absolutely gorgeous! Can't wait to hear more!

[Jax]

Just found your blog by typing enough already into my address bar - got to say that I've very much enjoyed reading back through your story - I went right back to the beginning and read through.

thanks for sharing it.

[Irina]

I'm so glad to hear from you again! : ) Can't wait to hear more!

[Lgie]

Great to be reading your blog again! Can't wait to hear more.

[Moxie]

You won't regret rocking them to sleep. In three years they won't want you to kiss them goodnight, so get in all the rocking you can now.

I'm so happy for you that you have your girls, that you're a better mom than you thought you'd be, and that you allowed yourself to go through all the normal "WTF have I done?" stages I think lots of infertile women guilt themselves out of.

[Sarah]

Hi! We're at 5 months too -- and I'd kill for six hours of sleep. He's not so good at the sleeping part -- but he's a really happy guy so at least when we're up in the middle of the night he's smiling!

Good to hear from you. This must be the part of motherhood where we finally get to lift our heads from the trenches and do things like write in our blogs! I've just started back too.

Best, Sarah

[Simone]

Wow, I'm so glad I stopped by. I hadn't checked in ages because there were no updates. I knew the girls were here & that you were obviously very busy! But, It is wonderful to see you posting again. I followed your story for such a long time, and to finally see you with your arms full is so inspiring. Even though it all sounds incredibly hectic & challenging I can tell you are in love (with your daughters at least!) They are just adorable.
What can I say about your dh? Bloody men?! I really hope you are beginning to get the help you need from him & that your marriage does get stronger as the girls flourish. Your honesty is refreshing. All the so called "perfect husbands & perfect babies & perfect lives" I read about make me feel like an alien. I know it can't be so friggin' wonderful for everyone! Take care of you & I will be back to visit soon.

[Stephanie]

Hmm, well you threw a wrench in my thinking...it seems that every time I come across an "infertility" blog, I find that lo and behold the person has children now and isn't life grand, and yay me, little Susie did a poopy today and here's a picture BLAH BLAH BLAH. I actually found your blog interesting and amusing...it's people like you that I end up being genuinely happy for. You remember where you've come from and can appreciate what you have now, warts and all. My best friend dropped me like a stone after having twins through IVF. Seems she can't relate to me anymore...must be the sleep deprivation making her insane

[thalia]

Fantastic that you are doing so well despite the difficulties of looking after the girls. I really didn't expect another update, so this is a lovely surprise (even if it took me 2 months to find it!). I hope yuo're still doing well.

[Irina]

Just wondering how everything is... It's been a long while...

[k77]

You won't regret rocking them. They will learn to sleep by themselves when they are ready. Co-sleeping is a wonderful thing, and you do get more sleep that way. Beats getting out of a nice warm bed to tend to a baby in the wee hours.

[Erin]

I loved rocking Nicolas to sleep. Michael won't let me, and it makes me sad. Like K77 said, go ahead. They'll sleep on their own soon enough.

Glad you're back.