My mother arrived on Monday. She is now living with us until she finds a place. It doesn’t really bother me to have her here in my small 3 bedroom ranch house except for the fact I can’t yell at the husband when he deserves it.
Like, when he said “is there anything to take for lunch?” Hmmmm, I don’t know. Did you buy anything?
Like when he works until 7:00 p.m., comes home, spends an hour watering the plants outside, an hour and ½ working out, and then comes into the bedroom to watch TV with me at 9:30. All conveniently orchestrated in my mind to avoid me.
Like when he made derisive remarks about the new bedding set that I ordered and said it makes our bedroom look like a Mexican bordello. Look, its Ralph Lauren. I admit I have no taste when it comes to decorating, but I have faith that the designers at Ralph Lauren do, even if one of the accent pillows does have a zebra print.
I’m like a bored, sloppy housewife, both mentally and physically. I don’t work, cook, or clean, and I spend all my days lying on the couch watching television and eating donuts. Last night I actually said to my husband “I know what’s going here, it’s just like Dr. Phil said on his show today…”
So what happened on Dr. Phil? One couple had an 80 year old house and the wife kept assigning various home improvement jobs to her husband which he never finished, or if he did, he did a half ass job. So Dr. Phil said “You want to know what I think? Well here’s what I think. This house is a war zone. It’s aggressive versus passive aggressive. He figures that if he does a bad job, you’ll quit asking him to tear up your house.”
No, my husband didn’t tear up my house. He ordered a glider WITHOUT taking the pillow to the crib bedding set to match the fabric swatch for the custom ordered glider!!! And then told me he ordered the wrong color, but suggested we paint the nursery to match the color of the glider that does not compliment the crib bedding. AND this was all done b/c I accused him of not doing anything to prepare for the babies’ arrival.
Do you see the connection here? I asked (demanded) that he show more interest in the babies and he does so by fucking up the Nursery décor scheme. “Which,” he retorted “is not as bad as that butter-up yellow paint you selected or the tawdry bedding set that you ordered.” “The black and white zebra print clashes with the yellow paint…” he continued. He was talking about our bedroom, not the nursery.
I’ve become a woman who my cleaning lady secretly thinks my husband should cheat on. Recently she posed this question to me “…she has really let herself go, put on a lot of weight, and is always telling him what to do. Don’t you think her husband should cheat on her?”
“Why no” I replied to Du’plicitous. “I don’t think any man should go outside of their marriage. If he has a problem with her, he should discuss it with her and if they can’t agree, then he should be reasonable and just do it her way.”
What can I say? You teach people how to treat you. And here is a lesson I like to pass on: Don’t fuck with me.
32 weeks down, 2 more to go.
Fire the cleaning lady--she's too stupid to continue working for you.
Ignore your husband's lack of decorating skills and order a cushion that matches (hurry, by the way).
Order more donuts.
And keep posting.
You're hilarious.
Hope you feel better.
Posted by: chris | Sunday, July 10, 2005 at 08:20 AM
Yes, keep posting....
and ordering more donuts.
Man, if I ever get a donor cycle to take, I really want to start quoting Dr. Phil...I can just blame it on pregnancy ;)
Actually my husband and I have this really long running joke about decorating and Dr. Phil. I love to decorate (which I talk about ad nauseum on my blog). But my husband really likes to be involved, but he's slow to make a decision. We caught this one Dr. Phil show where he bascially said that it's the women's nest, let her do what she wants -- for peace. Bwahahahahahaha. I'm no Dr. Phil fan, but whenever I really want to make a purchase for the house and it's lingering on 6 months before my husband will agree with what I picked, I remind him what Dr. Phil says ;)
Posted by: Emily | Thursday, July 14, 2005 at 10:09 AM