Enough Already!

So what is going on now?

See my new post on Fiding a New Gear...the life and times of a beleaguared mom - after surviving infertility. the link is to the left in can't get enough of these girls And btw, if any of you ever worry whether your DE children will not think you are their mother - and i did - alay your fears. Mommy rules supreme in this house. or am i the only one who worried about that?

Where do I begin

Until I can figure out how to start a new blog under this typepad acct., I'm going to post on this blog. so here goes...

Where do I begin…

5 months. They are already 5 months old now. The first 3 months of my maternity leave seemed like an eternity and a blink of an eye at the same time. Motherhood I discovered is a 24 hour a day 7 day a week job. “The toughest job you’ll ever love” are words that have new meaning to me. What you ask do stay at home moms do? more shit than I was prepared to do. Babies and children need constant attention and care. If you need to pay bills or g-d forbid update your blog, better hire help.

Its funny, or maybe not so, that every thing they say is true about parenthood. “Your life will never be the same again” they advise. And you think “well, that is the idea…” But you don’t know the truth of those words until you live it.

And every infertile wants to live it. You can taste the pain. You long for it. And quite frankly, infertility treatment is so much harder than parenthood. You get more sleep, but overall, that is the only positive. Going through infertility treatment does prepare you for parenting in one respect or maybe two. One, what you expect to happen, never does. And two, the sleepless nights – well not quite. At least when you are losing sleep b/c you have a newborn, well, it is b/c you have a newborn.

I was of course surprised at how much work taking care of two babies would be. The crippling part is the sleep deprivation. After all, isn’t that how they brain wash people? To say that it sucks ass, is putting it lightly. For example, I tried to explain this to my pregnant friend who said “We tried so hard to get pregnant and waited so long, we’re ready.” I laughed quietly.

Then 5 days after giving birth I get a call “I haven’t slept for 5 nights! My husband and I are fighting.” Hmmmm…I thought to myself “well that sounds about right” But to her I assured her “it gets better.” When it gets better, well that is a mystery to us all. According to some bitches that lie about their babies, they sleep through the night at 6 weeks. According to people you can really trust, 6 mos to a year.

Oh and I forgot, my favorite was when she said “I’m really not enjoying this.” Oh the guilt I had for that. Oh the guilt I had for the thoughts of the many prayers for the babies to just go to fuckin’ sleep already, just go to sleep. And the thoughts I had of “if this doesn’t get better I guess we’ll just have to put them up for adoption…”

Yes, I admit it. I seriously thought that in the sleep deprived days. And yes, I have guilt, and NO, my children are not up for adoption no matter how wonderful of a parent you would be.

The fact is, it did get better sleep wise, and they are the most beautiful girls I could ever hope to have. They “complete me”. Now, if I could just get my husband on board, things w/b perfect? Well close.

For now, he calls me “yells at husband” I and call him “dumb lazy fuck”. Nice huh?

I thought he would be a better parent and he is not. I thought I would not be the greatest parent, and while not perfect by a long shot, I've surprised myself at my resolve. I never knew that 6 hours of interrupted sleep could actually be enough, that going to be at 8 pm was wonderful, or that sitting in a darkened room just rockin a baby to sleep every evening could be so peaceful. but, i hear i will live to regret that as baby will not learn to sleep on her own.

Epilogue

Well, I think I’m going to put a period at the end of this long sentence. It has been quite a ride to say the least. The girls, Ariella and Raquel, are doing great. Of course, you never know how hard it will be to be a parent until you know. People tell you it’s rough, people tell you your life will never be the same. There is just no way, however, to know the truth of those words until you’ve lived it.

Night wakings, sleep deprivation, crying, colic, rocking until your back aches, wishing for just an hour, one hour to yourself, and then realizing what they mean by your life will never be your own again. And then you sit, in a dimly lit room in the middle of winter, looking out at the window of the nursery, at the overcast sky at the break of dawn, rocking your baby snuggled up in your arms, and you realize that there is nothing else that you’d rather be doing. And the winter morning somehow doesn’t seem as cold and dark as it used to. You are warmed by the love that has grown inside you. And then you realize, you will never be the same either. And that’s a good thing.

Thank you all for your support along this journey, which has not ended, but simply taken a new turn.

I plan to keep this blog as is and let it stand as a beacon of hope for those of you out there who still suffer. When I get time, I intend to start a new blog called “Finding a New Gear: Motherhood after Infertility”. So stay tuned.