OUCH!!!!!

That is what Mousie said.  When I dropped him.  Mousie is /was my hamster.  He was orginally bought as a pet for my girls.  But they lost interest after he was "new" and he became my pet.  And he was the sweetest mousie ever.  He never even nipped my 2 yr. old twins. 

I didn't want a hamster ever after college after my last one died.  I decided, as a pet lover, a pet that dies every 2 years, is not a pet for me. 

And then mh mom decided that a pet hamster would be a great pet for my twin girls.  And as said earlier, they lost interest after the new wore off. 

I had pet hamsters growing up and cats.  So I thought that the 10 gallon tank habitat for Mousie that we bought would keep him safe.  Until i came home and his house was shoved half off the table i put it on.

So Mousie was moved to the extra room.  But a room closed off from the family for obvious reasons.  But I felt so bad for Mousie, that I took him out pretty much every night and played with him.  And he and I became friends.  good friends.  he would actually come up to the upper level of his cage when i called him. 

So he and I became buds.  For two years.  And they only live about 2 to 3 years, so I expected that there would be the day that would come that I would find him dead like i did my other hamsters.  But I was ok with that b/c I knew that was how it always went.

Why does life always have to throw you a shit sandwhich? 

So there we were, after midnight, I was playing with him, meaning lettin him out of his cage, when i felt a lump on his tummy.  He always had a lump on his tummy which I assumed was his belly button, but this felt different.  So I kept feeling but I decided I'd go into the bathroom so I could get a good look, and as we crossed the threshold of the bathroom door he started to bite me, and I jerked my hand away and he fell hard on the tile floor. 

Mousier had fallen to the floor many times in his life and survived.  But this time there was a splat sound and I could tell he was hurt, BAD.  He peed and ran around and I knew that was not good, and then he settled down to sleep. 

I put him on a small dog bed next to me to sleep on my bed with me so i could keep a look on him.  He didn't really move all night unless I moved him to reassure myself that he could still walk and hope he would still live.  If he could live through the night, he'd be ok.  I thought. 

I finally put him to bed in his house at 3 in the morning.  prayed he'd be alive in the morning.  i made promises to G=d.  just so he'd live.  He lived until the morning.  He was weak though.  He went to dring water and was too weak.  I picked him up and held the bottle to his mouth and he drank. 

i stayed home as long as I could and left for work and prayed for the best. But not long after, called my mom and asked her to take him to the vet.  Maybe he was just in shock?

I went home and got carrier ready, and put him in it.  He was in such bad shape.  He just laid in it.  I knew he was going to die.  I wanted to take him to the vet b/c I wanted to be with him when he died, but my mom said she would take him so i could go back to work. 

I din't want mousie to die alone.  I got the call around 105 from the vet that it didnt' look like mousie would survive his injuries and he was in pain.

I asked the vet to put him down, and while I was on the phone I heard the nurse say "he's gone"

And I whaled.

I could handle his death, he was 2 years old, I had expected he'd be dead soon, but not b/c of me.  I can not haldle that. 

He is still not buried.  He is in the freezer.  My husband said he would become a disgusting mess if we didn't freeze him before burying him and we cant do that until it stops raining. 

I dreaded telling my girls I had killed their pet.  I agonized.  Then i owned up and told them Mousie had gotten sick and died.  The Vet did everything he could but Mousie died.  And they sais "Don't cry, we can get you another Mousie" 

And then I cleaned out Mousie's room today anad I"m feeling depressed and I'm looking for my Matchbox 20 cd and I can't find it, but I can find Train, drops of jupiter, and i guess that is enough to connect to my feeling of sadness and hope.  Hope that Mousie has moved on to a better place and can forgive me, Hope that I can forgive myself, and now I cry b/c that is the pain, I can't stand I did this to my Mousie and myself. 

I fucked up and mousie paid the ultimate price with his life, and now I dont have my friend.  And there I sat listening Train and feeling sorry for myself when I started laughing.  Really laughing.  Like how the fuck did I think that I was ever alone in this fucked up life?

Husband that sleeps on the couch downstairs with the dogs, and has Add and can't keep a job, 5 cats, 3 dogs, one chichauhau that humps stuffed animals for pleassure, twins that i love but drive me nuts, a house that is in constant chaos, and Mousie, that I just killed. 

Now belle, the chihauhau is bugging me.  not a minutes peace. Enough Already!!!!!!!!~!