Finding a new gear....

A Mother's Blessing

May G-d bless and keep you always, may your wishes all come true, and may you stayaaaaayaaaa - forever young....

NO, no one stays forever young.  Lets get real here. 

My blessing for my girls:

May you be like my mother, Nonna, and have a sharp mind but a soft heart.

May you be like your father, and have a kind, gentle soul and  quick wit.

May you be like Grandma Euda, and have the patience of Job.

May you be like Grandpa Harvey, and be lucky in love.

May you be like my friend Cheri, and have both physical and spiritual beauty.

May you be like my friend Kim, a trusted and loyal friend.

May you know true friendship and true love.

May your true love be your true friend.

May you be joyess, happy and free, but focused and disciplined when need be.

May you be a lover when it comes to people and animals; and a fighter when it concerns your principals and beliefs.

May you have everything, good health, good fortune, and good friends; and may you be grateful for everthing that you have. 

Finally,

May G-d give me the strength, stamina, and wisdom to be the kind of Mother that you need me to be, and to give you kind, loving, firm direction to help you become the kind of person that G-d intends you to be. 

Failing that, may your father and I not be the main topic of discussion when you are seeing a therapist 30 years from now. 

Kine Ahora!

I scream because I care

Bud Schermer.  When I started my law career, the first firm I worked for was Susman Schermer.  After 50 years in business, the business collapsed 5 years after one of its main rainmakers suddenly died.  But I never will forget Bud Schermer.  Infamous for his screaming.  He had a saying "I scream because I care" 

My mother was a screamer.  And I hated it.  She would come home from work and just let loose.  I remember her screaming at me to quit following her.  I thought that was awfully mean at the time, but now I understand.  Having your every step dogged by one or two toddlers as the case may be can be quite irritating. 

And that brings me to the g-d damn near constant screaming that my children do.  It is driving me insane.  Raquel is trying to put on her shoe today, and then starts screaming to holy hell b/c its not going right. Ariella is screaming in my other ear about her car seat at the same time.  On the way home, Ariella is screaming at me b/c I put ranch dressing in her lunch, even though she specifically told me not to.  Like she never changes her mind.  Like she was forced to eat it. 

And now as I write this, I am overhearing them in the bathroom screaming about whatever.  Its like they have no normal tone of voice.  Its always a whine, a wail, or a scream. 

And then to add to the din of screaming is me screaming at them to stop the screaming.  And sometimes its not so nice.  Sometimes, its "Stop! that G-d damn screaming!!!"

These children are 4; not 14. 

Now Ariella is screaming about she can't get into the bathtub b/c her bandaid will come off.  I mean it is every little thing.  And now the bath is "too hot" whine whine whine.  Now Ariella is crying b/c she slipped.  She didn't fall, she just slipped.  My husband didn't even notice b/c not much really happened. 

I don't know how my husband does it. He seems to be able to weather this barage of screaming much better than I without getting angry.  But then he always does in everything.  I'm the one always losing my shit when I get aggrevated.  If my husband ends up killing me, you'll know it was because I deserved it.  You really have to push him to make him lose his temper. 

I am sitting in the bedroom, blogging b/c I've had it with the screaming for one day.   I could not be a stay at home mom.  I used to think that people who charecterized working women as having so much "me" time were fools. 

But lets face it, at least at work, there is some peace and quiet, and you get to go home at the end of the day.  If you are a stay at home mom, there is no break. 

When they were infants, I was amazed at the amount of crying that the girls did.  And one of my colleagues had the nerve to say that he had never heard of a baby crying when it was being held - like i didn't hold my children enough.  And I beg to differ.  His children obviously did not have colic like Raquel did.  He obviously did not have the experience of having his baby scream in his ear while he was holding him, and nothing would work. 

Rob used to call from work and Raquel would be screaming.  He'd say "who is that? Godzilla?"  That was her baby name - Godzilla. 

I found like most people, colic goes away with time.  Nothing else.  I used to think that would be her personality.  Far from it.  When she is not wailing over whatever small thing is bothering her, she is a ray of sunshine.  I guess you have to take the bitter with the sweet. 

Finally, things are calming down.  But I really hate the screaming.  Theirs and mine.

Enough already with the fucking screaming. 

And now Ariella just came and asked so sweetly if she could sleep in my bed.

And now I feel bad.

Again

Who am I now?

I'm still infertile but not trying to have children so the issue is moot. 

I have two children, a job (for now), an annoying husband, and a whole ton of aggravation.  My life is not perfect.  far from it. 

But everyday, I wake up and I resolve to do better.  To eat right.  To exercise (when I can find the time), to be a better parent, a better wife, to serve my clients better, to serve myself better. 

And everyday, I never feel as if I've "laid it out on the field" as Randy Pausch put it. 

I'm 45 now, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get any smarter.  I'm working on being more disciplined, but that is my life's work. 

Are my standards so low, that I think, in life, the real reward is the willingness and ability to fight another day?

To be able to see the miracles in your life?

Your kid is perfectly healthy, but a real pain in the ass.  A miracle, thank G-d and move on. 

Your car breaks and costs you $1,000 to fix but you just got a bonus and can pay the bill.  A miracle.  Fuck that flat screen TV that you wanted to buy and be happy you still have transportation. 

Your car breaks, cost you $1,000 to fix, you've been screwed out of your bonus b/c the economy sucks, so you have to finance it on your credit card at 18%.  A miracle, that you can still get credit, fix your car, and get to work to go pay those bastards off. 

Its 6 am, the baby is crying, the dog is barking, and your work day is starting to crash in.  A miracle.  You have a new baby, a job, and a dog that is not getting ready to cash it in. 

You have a dog that is dying, well, that is not a fucking miracle but just part of life.  Be grateful that you had him for the time you did.  That was the miracle.  And a gift from G-d (and thank you G-d for giving us Bruiser, it was a privilege to know him). 

So who am I now?

You. 

A person who struggles with life, with answers, with myself. 

And occasionally, I get a win here and there.  A miracle. 

Just let me be blessed enough to see it.

You fucking assholes!!!!!

"Can I take your order please?"

"I'd like a Banana Chocolae Vivanno".  

“Oh I just looked and they didn’t deliver any bananas to us today, would you like…”

 

"That is just great now that I'm stuck in your drive thru line..."

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!!!!!

 

I fell like that episode of Bob Newhart where Bob asked Mr. Carlin to write down everything that bothered him.  And in the session, he recounts each aggrevating detail of his day minute by minute. 

Now, I know, this is a petty rant.  Right now, no one is sick, no one is dying (kine ahora), and no one is unemployed for now so for that I give great thanks to G-d and fate. 

BUT

9:10 am  “Girls I don’t think we have time to go to ice skating lessons today…”

This from my husband who was up at the early hour of 6 am, but can’t seem to get it together enough to get the girls ready for skating.  Apparently, that is only a Mommy job. 

10:00 am – No bananas at Starbucks – the above described incident.  But, that is okay I think to myself, I’ll just grab something at work, b/c Merle usually brings something in for breakfast.

10:15 am – Hmmmm? The door is locked and there is no receptionist.  I knew I hadn’t worked on the weekends since I had my children 4 years ago.  I guess everyone else did to.  Even Carl? You must be joking but no one is here.  Including breakfast. 

 

10:20 am - to to sign on to my computer - "the network cannot log you in..."

WTF???  We should name our computer network “Mulligan”  it takes at least 2 tries before it decides its okay to log you in. 

But its nice that no one is here, b/c I have on no make up and look pretty rough. 

But speaking of big issues, I’d like to send up a prayer for Kiko (whatever your fucking Hawaiian name is (aka Seth b/4 you decided to adopt a Hawaiian name) and Angel.  In these trying times, Angel got laid off from her job at Monsanto after 14 years, and then 2 weeks later, Kiko got laid off from his job at CMS – the place that “laid off” my husband in 2003 when he fell out of favor.  Everyone at CMS takes a turn at getting fired.  The person responsible for firing my husband in 2003 was fired a year after that. 

I just feel sorry for Kiko  b/c he knew what a shithole that place was to work at, and then, after finding a new job, went BACK to work there only to be let go less than 2 years afterwards.  And he has 5 children and an ex-wife to provide for. 

 

I pray for all those suffering poor bastards in this dismal economy.  And Osama bin Obama? 

 

I know this will engender a lot of hatred amongst you Obama girls, but WTF?  

 

Jimmy Carter all over again.  Not much substance behind all the "Yes we can" bullshit hype.  Unemployment over 10%?!  Osama administration "It could have been worse, and its 'W's fault anyway". 

 

“W” must be laughing his ass off now.  Probably glad to have unloaded this Country’s problems on to that novice. 

I liked “W”. 

I voted for Gore/Lieberman.  I was very disappointed when “W” was declared the winner; as one of my colleagues said, “If he wins, we will all be praying to Jesus – and I mean literally” 

I voted for the Gore ticket b/c I liked Lieberman. 

 

But you know who I liked 9.11.01?  George "W" Bush, the cowboy in us all who just said "You fucking assholes!!!!"