Again

Who am I now?

I'm still infertile but not trying to have children so the issue is moot. 

I have two children, a job (for now), an annoying husband, and a whole ton of aggravation.  My life is not perfect.  far from it. 

But everyday, I wake up and I resolve to do better.  To eat right.  To exercise (when I can find the time), to be a better parent, a better wife, to serve my clients better, to serve myself better. 

And everyday, I never feel as if I've "laid it out on the field" as Randy Pausch put it. 

I'm 45 now, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get any smarter.  I'm working on being more disciplined, but that is my life's work. 

Are my standards so low, that I think, in life, the real reward is the willingness and ability to fight another day?

To be able to see the miracles in your life?

Your kid is perfectly healthy, but a real pain in the ass.  A miracle, thank G-d and move on. 

Your car breaks and costs you $1,000 to fix but you just got a bonus and can pay the bill.  A miracle.  Fuck that flat screen TV that you wanted to buy and be happy you still have transportation. 

Your car breaks, cost you $1,000 to fix, you've been screwed out of your bonus b/c the economy sucks, so you have to finance it on your credit card at 18%.  A miracle, that you can still get credit, fix your car, and get to work to go pay those bastards off. 

Its 6 am, the baby is crying, the dog is barking, and your work day is starting to crash in.  A miracle.  You have a new baby, a job, and a dog that is not getting ready to cash it in. 

You have a dog that is dying, well, that is not a fucking miracle but just part of life.  Be grateful that you had him for the time you did.  That was the miracle.  And a gift from G-d (and thank you G-d for giving us Bruiser, it was a privilege to know him). 

So who am I now?

You. 

A person who struggles with life, with answers, with myself. 

And occasionally, I get a win here and there.  A miracle. 

Just let me be blessed enough to see it.

Comments

[Kim]

I am really sorry to read about your dog. It was over five years ago that I saw a picture of him on your website and emailed you to ask him where you got him. You were kind enough to respond and when my female chow passed away, I contacted Myrna and we got Joey from her. He has been a dream come true for a pet.
What has happened to Bruiser if you don't mind my asking.

[midlife mommy]

I wear a plastic bracelet that says "Thank you God, I am grateful." Because without the reminder, I might forget, ungrateful child that I am.